


The Moment of Truth, Or The Moment to Lie?

by Eternal Scribe (Shadowcat)



Series: GatheringFiKi - 12 Days of Christmas 2018 [1]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst and Feels, Durincest, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-14
Updated: 2018-12-14
Packaged: 2019-09-18 02:45:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16986681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadowcat/pseuds/Eternal%20Scribe
Summary: There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.-Nietzsche





	The Moment of Truth, Or The Moment to Lie?

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the GatheringFiKi - 12 Days of Christmas 2018 on Tumblr

This was definitely not how Fili had intended for things to happen. Them yelling at each other had been unplanned, but not completely unexpected between them as of late. It seemed that no matter what happened, one of them was always upset or angry and it erupted into a yelling match with them saying the most hurtful things to each other that could possibly come out of their mouths. This time, though, it had gotten so bad that they had come to blows.

He didn't remember now what he had said, but he did remember the pained sound that Kili made in reaction and then his brother had tackled him to the floor. They had fought before, but not like this; never like this with intent to bruise and harm one another. Kili had been dreadfully hurt by what he had said and that had led to them resorting to trying to pound each other into the floor. They had been punching and slamming each other into things for several minutes -- hours? -- before Fili finally got the upper hand and rolled over on top of his brother, slamming him back onto the floor.

"Stop it, Kili!" Fili yelled in his face as he slammed him down again.

He heard rather than felt his brother's head smack the floor and then to his horror, Kili went limp. His eyes were still open, but they just seemed to be staring up and through him. Panicked, he scrambled off of Kili, picking up his wrist to feel for a pulse like Oin had shown him long ago. Kili's pulse was there but it seemed so dreadfully slow. Surely it should be racing much faster than that after the fighting that they had been doing? He leaned forward, tilting his face over Kili's relieved to feel his breath on his cheek but even that was not as strong as it should be.

"Kee? Kili?

His brother didn't respond and Fili was feeling at a loss as to what to do.

"Kili, please. brother, love... please say something. Please blink or talk or... _anything._ "

He seemed that his pleas were falling on deaf ears and it scared him what that could mean and how would he be able to explain that he had killed his brother? How could he go on knowing that he had killed the one person that meant more to him than anything?

Kili felt the back of his head hit the floor and pain rushed through it. That wasn't the worst thing though. The worst thing was that everything blurred and went silent. For several moments, he laid there, unable to hear or see anything and he wondered if this was what dying felt like. After what had just been said and what had happened, he thought that death would be a gift in comparison to everything else that had been happening to him as of late. It would be preferable to knowing without a doubt how Fili really felt about him. He could have survived anything but knowing that bit of information.

As if someone or maybe Mahal himself had a very twisted sense of humor, it was that thought that brought all of his senses rushing back at him. His breath left him with a heavy sound and he closed his eyes against the light, opening them again because the tears he had been fighting not to shed before this happened demanded it. He winced, trying not to react to the pain, but he had to sit up, he had to get to his feet. He had to get out of his brother's sight like Fili had wished him to. The pain made him sway a little, but he was a dwarf and he could survive just about any physical pain. He would not seek help leaving his brother to his home.

Not that he knew where he was going since this had been home for the last six years, as well, but that was something to deal with at another time. He had made it as far as the door when he heard his brother's quiet voice behind him.

"Kili? Where are you going?"

Kili's shoulder slumped. So much for doing this all silently and with the stoic nature of his brother and uncle that he had always tried and failed to emulate. He turned, keeping his eyes to the floor so he didn't have to see the anger and hate in Fili's eyes.

"I'm leaving you to it as you said to. I hate this, Fili. I don't know what caused us to be so separate and I don't know what caused you to hate me. I can barely stomach the fact that I've done something so terrible that you hate me and want me out of your life. For what it's worth, I'm sorry."

 _Mahal!_ Was that what he had told Kili, that he hated him and wanted him to get out of his life? Is that why Kili had attacked him like he did -- because _Fili_ had said something that was guaranteed to cut him so deeply he could react like a logical dwarf?

"Kili, no. I didn't mean that! Brother, I'm sorry I said that but you have to know it wasn't true! I don't even remember saying it!"

"Then that makes it all the worse because even if you didn't mean to say it and cannot recall saying it, that points to the knowledge that you have felt that way for some time and have been doing very good at hiding it from me -- from everyone."

Fili winced, hating the horrible pain and sadness that he was hearing in Kili's voice. Why would he have even said that in the heat of a fight when it just wasn't true?! If he hated anyone in this whole mess, it was himself and _not_ Kili. Never his Kili.

"Kili, please, look at me."

"Why? So you can tell me to my face this time that you hate me and wish you had never been cursed with me at your side?"

"I did _not_ say that!" Of that, he was very sure.

"Not yet you haven't, but after telling me that you hate me, that wouldn't be too far away, right?"

"Please, Kili, just... just look at me."

Fili hated how much of a struggle it was for Kili to lift his head and look at him. He hated even more that he saw such pain in those brown eyes he had always loved -- pain that he had put there unknowingly. However, it was the tears that he saw shining in his brother's eyes that were hitting him deeper than any weapon could have.

"Satisfied now, Fili?" Kili asked quietly. "Satisfied that now you know beyond a doubt that I am not as strong as you are, that you were able to hurt me unlike anyone else ever has or could?" He let out a breath. "Can I leave now? It's dark and if I'm lucky there should be rooms still available at the inn."

"Kili... don't go. I don't know why I said that, but I swear by Mahal it isn't true. I don't hate you at all. In fact, it's just the opposite."

"That doesn't even make sense, Fili."

There was no anger in Kili's words and that hurt Fili so much. He wanted Kili to be angry for the hurt that he had caused, not just accepting it and walking away without arguing with him. He needed Kili to fight back, force him to apologize or take the words back or something. Anything! He wanted the fiery temper his brother was capable of, not this shell that was willing to accept his words at face value and walk away from him. This, this hollow person allowing Fili to say such hurtful things and not even fight back was not what he wanted or needed right now. He needed Kili to fight back, to stand strong for what he wanted or what he felt.

"How long have you been telling yourself that I hate you, Kili?"

"Long enough that I was right and you just couldn't bring yourself to tell me until tonight for some reason."

That hurt. That _really_ hurt.

"Kee..."

"All we do any more is fight. We fight and attack each other or we don't speak. After everything we went through and how much we almost lost, this was not what I expected would happen. If I had known that winning Erebor would destroy us, I would have..." His voice trailed off.

"You would have what, Kili?"

"I would not have joined you on Thorin's quest. I would have stayed behind in the Blue Mountains or relocated to the Iron Hills. Erebor was not worth having the most important thing to me be destroyed like our bodies were almost destroyed on that cursed bloody battlefield."

Fili stared at him. "You don't truly mean that. From the moment Thorin first told us what he was planning, you wanted to be a part of it. You trained harder with other weapons and hand to hand fighting than you had ever done before. You spent countless hours reading and researching anything that Balin or Ori could find for you that might aid us in our journey and our battles." He shook his head. "You would never have left the Company or brought yourself to stay behind when the rest of were leaving. It was not in your heart and soul to do so."

"If I had known that I would lose you and the closeness we had shared all of our lives, then I very much would have, Fili." Kili's words were quiet, but there was no doubting the layers of emotion that shaped those words.

"Kili..."

"You just don't understand how much it hurts to watch myself being left behind after everything I have done and been through. We have won the blasted mountain of our forefathers back for our descendants and I feel that in doing, I have lost everything. It would have been much better if I had died at Laketown or had not recovered from my wounds after the battle because the life I live now feels like I am slowly dying. I don't understand why Tauriel healed me before or why Mahal did not take me to the Halls from the battlefield when I lay there in the blood and snow broken beyond measure. Ori says that you and Thorin both prayed to our maker and begged for me to come back to you, and I don't know why you even bothered."

Fili could feel his jaw drop in shock at Kili's outpouring of painful words and emotions. Did his brother really think that he would have been better off dead than alive? How could he think that when the very idea of a world without Kili in it threatened to tear him into the smallest pieces he could imagine with no hope of being made whole again? He didn't know the best way to express everything he was feeling, but when Kili turned to the door again, he lurched forward and grabbed his arm.

"Kili, wait!"

Kili froze when Fili grabbed his arm, but beyond stepping back, he made no move to escape his grip. His head was hurting like mad, but it was nothing compared to the pain he was feeling in his heart. He just wanted to go somewhere and be alone in his misery because he was tired and he couldn't keep being strong and pretending that everything was all right. He couldn't do it any longer and he wished that he could just be left alone to try and put himself back together like one of the suits of armor in the armory so none would see his cuts and cracked and wounds that wouldn't stop bleeding.

"I need you to not leave and I need you to listen to me. Promise me that you will listen to me and not run away while I'm talking."

Kili wouldn't even look at him again, hating how weak he felt in Fili's presence right now. He was tired of fighting and he just couldn't keep this up with Fili any longer. How was it that even after everything he had survived he didn't feel like he had accomplished anything or won any kind of victory.

"I cannot make any kind of promise until I hear what you say, Fili," he finally said, his voice sounding dull to his brother's ears.

He didn't like the sound of how empty and sad Kili's voice was. Kili's was voice was supposed to be full of joy and laughter. It was the sound of victory and happiness and the fact that it had changed so much made Fili wonder what else he had missed.

"I suppose that is fair, but if you try to leave, I will do my best to stop you."

Kili's only response was a shrug and Fili had to bite the inside of his cheek to not let anger take flight at Kili's withdrawal. He had no right to get angry right now, not now after finding out what he had said to him during their fight and knowing how Kili had been thinking that his survival was a mistake.

"First of all, I prayed to Mahal and his siblings to bring you back to us because you are my brother and I love you. You are the most important person in my life and I could not handle the idea that I survived the battle and you would be waiting in the Halls for me long before you should have gone to them. We made a pact, a sacred vow when we were young that one of us would not journey to the Halls of Manos without the other. We swore that to each other so many times in our lives that it has become one solemn truth I hold close to me no matter what."

"But in the end, it still didn't matter," Kili said quietly. "We vowed that we would be first together in all things, but that is not what happened. I believed so strongly in that vow and I thought that it would be able to see us through anything that happened, but it didn't. You prayed for me to live, but only because you remembered a promise made in happy, less dangerous times. You should have let them take me and everything would have been much better for all concerned. You didn't really want me with you, you've made that abundantly clear."

"Kili... Kee, that's not true at all. It would have destroyed me if I had lost you to death -- or to anything else. I sat at your bedside and cried and prayed and raged because you didn't wake up as quickly as Thorin and I had. Thorin raged and begged and bargained with the creator if he would just not take you away from us. I know that I have been very bad at showing it, but you have always been my everything and I was never as scared in my life as I was when you were still and unconscious on that cot in the medical wing. It killed me to see you looking so vulnerable and always with your eyes closed."

"But I did wake up, Fili. I woke up and everything went so very wrong after that. You're always angry at me no matter what I do. We fight and we yell and it's nothing like it used to be before the quest and the battle. Sometimes I have wondered if you suffer from dragon sickness as Uncle did, but this is something that only happens to you when you are alone with me so maybe I am the poison to you."

"No, Mahal's hammer, Kili, no."

Had things really been so bad between them that Kili saw in his eyes what they had seen in Thorin's eyes those days before the battle? Had he really caused so much damage between them that Kili not only had doubts about his sanity but thought that he was the one that was causing Fili to act like that? He wanted to rage and yell that Kili was overreacting, but the sadness and defeat in his brother's voice and demeanor told him that he had missed quite a lot that was going on with Kili.

"I wish you would tell me what I have done to make you hate me because even though it would still hurt me, at least there would no longer be uncertainty and confusion. I would have answers and that would make things a little more bearable than the darkness I have been in these past several weeks or months."

"I don't hate you, Kili. I could never hate you. I love you and I will always love you. You're the other half of my soul and the place that my thoughts seek when everything is getting too dark or I am feeling too much pressure with all of the changes that have happened to us." He sighed. "I don't know how everything got so messed up or why I would have said something so painful and cruel when it's not true in the least little bit. I can't even come up with any reason why I would feel anything but love and care for you."

"But you did say it and not just once."

Fili winced. There was no real way to explain anything that had happened or what had been said in the heat of their fight. What made it even worse was that Kili didn't seem to believe that he hadn't meant to say it and that he honestly didn't remember saying it to begin with. He knew that he had to do something and he had to do it quickly or Kili really would leave doubting everything that they had ever had between them. He knew he was taking a huge risk with what he was about to do, but he couldn't think of anything else to convince his brother that his feelings for him were so far away from being hate so as not to be even part of the same world.

He tightened his hand on Kili's arm and brought his other hand up to stroke the side of Kili's face gently. The last time he had touched his face like this, he had been laying so pale and still in the healing wing. He cupped his cheek with hand for a long moment, his heart breaking when he saw a single tear slide down Kili's face. That single tear removed all of his worries about what he was doing and he moved his hand beneath Kili's chin, lifting it so that he would be able to look into Kili's eyes. The pain in those beautiful eyes was too much to bear and it was even worse to know that he had been the one that caused a great deal of that pain. He allowed his fingers to stroke Kili's chin and then he moved closer.

"I don't hate you, Kili," Fili whispered. "I could never hate you."

As soon as he knew that Kili was focused on him, he tilted his head and pressed his lips firmly to Kili's. For a long moment, they were both frozen, Fili hearing his heart beating in his ears as he worried what was going to happen. Had he made a mistake? Had he just made things worse between the two of them? Had this been the wrong thing to do to show Kili that hatred was not the emotion that drove Fili when it came to his brother?

Right when he was certain that he had made a horrible choice and needed to step back, he heard Kili sigh and felt his lips part slightly, inviting him in even as he returned the kiss.

Fili felt everything in him shift as he tangled a hand in Kili's hair, pulling him closer so he could deepen the kiss he had started. For too long he had wanted this and for far too long he had tried to run from it or put up boundaries between the two of them. He had only wanted to protect both of them from hurt, but in the end he had done the opposite and caused Kili such a deep hurt that he had almost lost him. He heard the slide of fabric and then Kili's arms were wrapping around him, pressing closer than they had ever been. They needed this, needed this contact. Fili could feel the heat of Kili's skin and knew that this was something that he had almost lost; had almost never gotten to feel it quite like this.

Fili ended the kiss and pulled his head back to put enough space between them so that he could look into Kili's eyes.

"Don't leave, Kili. Stay here with me; where you belong."

Kili was silent for several long moments as he just looked at Fili, his head tilted as if he was searching for something that only he could see. Finally, he nodded and moved closer to Fili again. Fili let out a sigh of relief and they just stood there, holding tightly onto each other.


End file.
